I’ve been sitting on this gem for a while now, and finally pep talked myself into finishing the last four sentences. Enjoy my foray into Indian Gaming. 

October 11-12, 2009: 

I have a habit of doing things on a whim, so when the thought of celebrating the  colonization of the Americas with the Mashantucket Pequot Tribe crossed my mind I was done for.

Number 44, I will conquer you at the largest collection of slot machines in the world on the day that we celebrate the introduction of small pox and coffee to North America.

I figured that there were 6,200 slot machines at Foxwoods Resort Casino, that I was bound to come out on top.

So, armed with my comrades from Ohio, I aimed my Toyota Camry for Connecticut. Jonathan Paplebon had just blown a game lead in the 9th to lose the series 3-0 to the Anaheim Angels. I was already entering Yankee country a loser, but was prepared to spend my cold, hard salary on success and glory. I would soon find out that this was not so.

Entering the Foxwoods complex is like having an out of body experience because it is massive and full of cigarette smoke. Senior citizens whip around on their motorized scooters, prepared to gamble their social security away, and for some reason there are lots of children - just hanging around. One has to wonder exactly what they are doing there or if they’ll have college tuition money when they turn 18.

The three of us checked into our $100 a night Tower room after walking about a mile through a maze of slot machines and jewelry stores. With my AAA discount we obtained a king sized bed, a mini fridge, and a soaking tub. I was fine with this because there was also 24 hour room service. I set my sights on nachos for later and made a mental note to save enough cash because they were going to be expensive.

After donning our best gaming faces, we cautiously left the 15th floor in search of fossil fuels to begin our night. We settled for gigantic burgers and strawberry shakes at Fuddruckers as we tried to come up with a plan to win the most money humanly possible, or how to get boys to fall in love with us and buy us things. 

After an hour losing money at the roulette table (number 17, you’re dead to me) I abandoned my team for higher, safer ground: slots. 

I didn’t know what I was doing, and I’m still not entirely sure, but by simply pushing what seemed like arbitrary buttons, I was up $60. This was a great! I had won back my roulette spending and made an extra twenty. I was not to be stopped, and approximately 30 seconds later I was $20 in the hole and ready to drink. I had nothing on the grannies around me hitting it big and winning what is often known as “a jackpot”. I was devastated. Slots were nothing but shiny light brites that took my dollars and spat back failure. 

The only logical thing to do after embarrassing myself and inhaling a ton of cigarette smoke was to retreat to Hard Rock Cafe and try to get people to buy us drinks. Which, to my surprise, came easier than gambling. 

Enter Po Chiu, Assistant General Manager at Stadium Sports Bar and Grill and that is where I will end the story of my night. It is unimportant that later on I purchased previously mentioned nachos and locked myself out of my $100 a night hotel room for 45 minutes. 

Moral of the story: you will lose your money if you put it in slot machines, and people really do wear fanny packs and visors at these places.